


Turning Hearts

by hiiimaugust



Series: Kitty the Cowardly Courier [10]
Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Christianity, Conversion, F/M, Mormonism, Regret, Religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9297512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiiimaugust/pseuds/hiiimaugust
Summary: Following a strange feeling that may just be insanity, Kitty becomes a caravan navigator. The pristine Zion wilderness promises both peace and chaos. Will she find what she's looking for? Does she even know what she's looking for?





	1. The Voice

**Author's Note:**

> This is the main fic in this AU of mine. I don't know how long it'll take me to finish and I'll still be posting one-shots from earlier in the time, but this is my baby.

Kitty woke up tangled in Benny's sheets, her head resting on his chest. She hadn't meant to come back to the Strip with him. Her plan had been give House the Chip and run for somewhere, anywhere but Benny's bed. This made it thrice now. The night she meant to kill him, Novac after Fortification Hill (although that had technically been _her_ bed), and this.

Madness. Complete utter madness. Maybe the bullets truly scrambled her brains. She didn't even love him, damn it. Half his lingo flew over her head, she didn't approve of gambling, and she wasn't even sure she enjoyed the sex. He was just there.

"Morning, honey baby." Benny stretched.

"How old are you anyway?" She blurted. Not how she intended to start the day.

"Thirty seven."

She gulped. _Fifteen years._ Any older and he could be her father. Her mother must be turning over in her mass grave. A wave of shame knocked into her. She sat on her side of the bed.

"Pussycat, you aren't stupid. You already knew I was older than you."

"I--"

"Keturah." He cut off whatever she was going to say. "Look at me."

"Don't call me that!" She stood and started sorting through her armor. She could see everything besides her under things. _Fucking shit._ Where'd she put her glasses? "I don't even know why I told you my real name."

Benny held them out. "Honey baby, you're really going to start our first fight over our ages?"

"First fight? I'm pretty sure it takes a relationship for that." Where was his excellent people-reading skills now? Couldn't he see that she was mad at herself, not him? She pulled on Benny's boxers and forewent the bra. She didn't have much on top anyway. "I need air. I'm going to Freeside, seeing a friend about a dog. Don't wait up."

Pip-Boy, clothes, silenced pistol, switchblade, she'd get breakfast at the Wrangler later. Benny still sat on the bed. His hurt expression softened her anger. Despite her better judgement, she kissed him on the cheek. "I'll be back. I just need to think."

She didn't go get Rex right away. That had been half of her intention. Dixon raised an eyebrow. "I thought you got clean."

"Change of plans. Got any Med-X?" She'd been clean for awhile but damn it. A headache bloomed in forehead before she even left The Tops. 

"Can't do it, nobody in Freeside will. Dr. Gannon's orders."

"I'll give you double." _Damn you, Arcade._

"Nope. You got that 1st Recon friend. I'm not risking it."

At the mention of Boone, her chest started hurting. She wanted to march to the Old Mormon Fort and scream in Latin so only Arcade would understand. Instead, she let her anger propel to the School of Impersonation. Rex followed her to one of the rooms upstairs. The cyborg dog let her use his head as pillow.

Her Pip-Boy choose that exact moment to beep. New radio signal. "Howdy. This is Jed Masterson and I'm a caravan boss for the Happy Trails Trading company. If you're hearing this, I have a job offer for you. Happy Trails is organizing an expedition north into Utah, off the Long 15, and we need people. We're looking for caravan guards, prospectors. If you're used to humping it across the wastes straight towards trouble, we want you. If you got a Pip Boy, we definitely want you."

As soon as he said Pip Boy, something happened.

It felt like a voice. A firm, quiet, command, _Go._ How a voice could be an emotional feeling and not an auditory sensation was beyond her. She looked at Rex. Being a dog, he had no answers. He whined.

"Rex, do you think I could somehow arrange for a second Armageddon so I don't have to deal with this shit?"

Rex promptly removed himself from the room.

She sat there, back against the wall. One of her headaches started up, pulsing behind her eyes. She flipped the Pip Boy radio off and removed her glasses. Still, the voice-that-was-not-a-voice persisted. _Go on the expedition. You'll find what you need there._ She hadn't been aware she needed anything.

A bark brought her attention back to reality. Rex returned, bringing a blurry someone in a Follower's lab coat with him. She groaned.

"For an intelligent girl, you do some unintelligent things," Arcade said from above her. "Tell me you're sober this time."

"You know I've been cut off from the only substance I used. It was your doing." She slid her glasses back into place but closed her eyes again. "Ave, Doctor Gannon."

He sat down beside her."I need you to be honest with me, as a friend. Are you sleeping with the man who shot you?"

She sighed. "I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Because anything that threatens your health is my business. You're one of my patients."

"I thought you were asking as a friend." She rested her head on the wall behind her. "Look, I'm not going to deny it. I slept with him. I gave him my fucking virginity, but we're not seeing each other."

"Were you high?"

"No. I haven't had a hit since Boone dragged me in to you to sober up. That doesn't mean I was in my right mind though."

She heard the door to the room shut firmly. "Kitty, this isn't an easy question for me to ask. Dr. Usanagi has the most training in mental health."

Oh God. He thought she was crazy. She braced herself.

Arcade blurted it out. "Did he force or coerce you?"

"What?! No." She flushed. "It was sex not rape! I promise. He hasn't hurt me." _Unless you count shooting me._. "I'm not sure why you would think that. He's a run-of-the-mill jackass, not a Legionarie."

"And you're done with him."

"I already know it wasn't a healthy whatever-it-was. I know I'm young, Arcade, but I'm _not_ stupid." Boy she said that a lot. "There was nothing romantic about it. Sex is just a biological urge."

"And you're certain he won't hurt you now?"

"He will not get the chance to." She tried to sound firm.

"Is breaking up with him going to break your heart?"

"Can't break something that isn't there," she muttered darkly. She did not like to think about her time at Big Mountain.

"Kitty, should I be alarmed?"

"I have an artificial heart." She tried to wave it off. "It was before I met--" A sob caught in her throat.

"Boone?"

She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. She felt the pump-pump of the heart. "He's gone."

"How?"

"A ripper in the hands of the same Legionnaire that decimated my town. He's dead too." She took a deep breath. "I should have killed him sooner. He put my mother's head on a spike, my father on a cross."

"How old were you?"

"Same age I am now. I'm from Nipton."

"You're from _Nipton_?" The complete shock in his voice didn't surprise her. "But you--"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," Arcade mumbled to himself. "And I'll have to add the heart thing to her file."

"You have a file on me?"

"Standard medical procedure. Don't worry. No one besides me will see it without your permission. I have a password protected terminal."

She raised an eyebrow.

"You have an unnatural talent for hacking, Kitty." He rubbed her shoulder. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

She nodded.

"If the urge gets to be too much, I'll be at the Fort. Please come get me yourself next time."

"Okay."

The voice came back as soon as he closed the door behind him. _You need peace,_ it said.

That was about as likely as her finding a way to start the Armageddon she half-joked to Rex about. Between the NCR, the remainder of the Legion, House's robot army, and whatever the fuck Benny was going to do, peace in Mojave was a long way off. Maybe, if her brain was still in bowl, she and it could have a conversation. Instead, it was back in her head, damaged. Damn it _and_ her glands.

_Go._

"Alright, fine. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask for more details."

She made the trek up to the Northern passage and sought out Mr. Masterson. Before she could get out so much as a hello, he said, "Wait a minute, I recognize you. Yeah, you're Alice McLafferty's rising star. What are you doing looking for work with a little company like Happy Trails?"

She shrugged. "Wasn't suited to the company morals. I heard you're going into Utah?"

"Yes. We've lost contact with New Canaan. We need to get through the Zion Valley."

She held up her wrist, showing off the Pip Boy. "I think I can help with that. It has a compass and everything."

"Good. Couple of ground rules." He tossed her a sack with the Happy Trails logo painted on it. "Put everything you're taking with you in that. It holds about seventy five pounds. Second rule, do not mention Joshua Graham to any of the New Canaanites. Think you can handle that?"

"Given that I have no idea who that is, it should be pretty easy." She smiled. Crazy voice or not, it would be nice to get out of the Mojave. And if anything, it would be easier to get around with less junk. "When are we leaving?"

"You not asking about the pay?"

She shrugged. "Caps aren't bad but I'm looking for some time away from the Mojave."

"You in some kind of trouble?"

"I don't think so," she said carefully. The Legion probably had a price on her head but it wasn't like they would find her up north. "I lost a friend recently and need some space."

"I get that. We leave in three days, at sunrise. You'll get half your pay then, the rest when we get to New Canaan."

"You have yourself a deal, Mr. Masterson." She shook his hand. "See you in three days." The world suddenly felt a lot lighter. She walked back to New Vegas feeling better than when she left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so it's two hours late.

Kitty had a lot to do in the days before she left for Zion. She moved the personal affects she couldn't part with from the Lucky 38 to her room at the Atomic Wrangler, told Mr. House she quit, and then sold the rest. Her new pack now contained an impressive first aid kit, a refurbished pistol with more kick than her old 9mm, ammo, and the usual long-distance provisions. She splurged on a single item: a baseball bat.

The fact that the infamous "Gun" Runners even made baseball bats made her giggle. As the robot explained the weapon's specifications, however, she fell in love. Maple, with a cork core. A version covered in nails was available as well, but she decided against that. Accidentally giving herself tetanus sounded like a bad way to go. She bought it without so much as a swing. Once she got it in her hands, her affection for the weapon grew. She took it to the Atomic Wrangler and then set out for her two most difficult tasks.

One involved dropping a parcel in the Freeside Mojave Express box. The action was simple enough, but the contents of the parcel made it more difficult. She wrapped Boone's beret and a note in brown paper and addressed it to Manny Vasquez, Day Shift Sniper, Dino Dee-Lite Hotel, Novac. She wrote the note several times before settling with:

_MV_

_B didn't make it. Figured you'd get more use out of this than I would. You were probably a better spotter than I ever would be anyway._

_KFH_

Her second task, the final thing on her list, frightened her the most. Ending the closest thing she had to a romantic relationship. She heard stories and Pre-War songs about how much it could hurt. Her worries lied more toward 'what if he convinces me to stay' than toward emotional distress. Given how new the concept was to her though, she didn't know what her brain and glands would do.

She went into The Tops and handed her switchblade over. Swank looked her up and down. "You're Benny's new doll, aren't ya?"

"Of sorts."

Benny came toward them, one bodyguard in tow, and kissed her. "You're not still mad at me, are ya, Pussycat?" He stroked her face.

It took every once of self-control for her not to lean into his hand. If she ever made it back to the Mojave, she was going to ask Arcade which hormones caused which of her reactions. "Hi, Benny."

He kissed her forehead. "Come on, honey baby, let's you and me go back to our suite."

 _Our? That sounds like a declaration of--No, don't think about it._ The body guard walked them to the elevator and then it was just the two of them. Benny kept kissing her, probably fully expecting this to land them in his bed again.

"I said our first night you weren't a killer," he said once the double doors to his suite closed behind them. "But I heard what you did to the Omertas. Ruthless, honey baby. You're suited to life in New Vegas after all. The city will be ours soon." He went behind his bar and started mixing drinks. "I'm guessing you have a plan in that brilliant little head of yours."

"I don't want New Vegas and I don't drink."

Despite her assertion, he put a glass in her hand. "Come on, Keturah baby, I promise you won't be bored here. I'll even make an honest woman out of you, if that's what you want."

 _Honest woman? Wasn't that a Pre-War term for wife?_ "Benny, I don't--"

He cut her off by kissing her and putting the drinks back on the counter. He then knelt. "Do I got to spell it out, Pussycat? Marry me. Let me do right by you. Stable life, maybe even a kid."

His eyes, oh fuck, his eyes. They reminded her way too much of Rex begging for scraps. She stepped away. "Benny, I can't. New Vegas isn't my town, isn't my problem. I got a job with a caravan company going north. I leave in the morning."

"You going to make me grovel, honey baby?"

"I'm not kidding. I'm already hired. There's nothing to grovel for."

"Why? I know you're not hurting for caps."

She had the distinct feeling not to mention the voice. "I've been a courier my entire adult life. I need the open road."

"What are you going to after?"

"See if it can be a full-time thing." She shrugged. "Or maybe enlist. Boone and I did some contract work for the NCR. I suspect they'd like to be able to actually tell me what to do."

"You're not a solider, baby."

"One hundred and seventy seven."

"What?"

"The number of people I've killed since you left me in that hole. One hundred and seventy seven. One-seven-seven." She held up her Pip Boy. "I've kept track. You were supposed to be number 100. I'm not not a killer. I'm not _your_ killer. I am more than capable of being a solider."

"Then you can stop now." He took her face in his hands again. "Stay. You won't have to kill anyone and no one will hurt you. We'll have some excellent hey-hey."

He looks like he's about to list more reasons to stay but she cut him off. "Call it sex, Benny. We're adults. That's all it was, casual sex. Hell, you're the one that called it wrong. I don't understand why you started throwing around marriage of all things."

"Honey baby." He reached forward to cup her face again. "We just have to deal with Mr. House and then we're home free."

It hit her then, like dumping irradiated water over her head. He wanted her to kill Mr. House. After all, she had (before she quit) been the only person with access to his "office". She stepped away, bumping against the wall. Benny used her, wanted to use her further. She saved his fucking life after he tried to take hers and he honestly thought she'd do whatever he wanted? Because they slept together? 

"Keturah, Pussycat, what are you doing?" He stepped between her and the double doors.

She already knows she's leaving but she has to ask. She has to know for sure. "Would you still want to marry me if I didn't do Mr. House in?"

"Honey baby, what kind of man do you think I am?" He stepped back. Feigned hurt laced his features.

"A fink. Average man wouldn't go from thinking about murder to thinking about vows and baby carriages just because they sleep with a girl." She adjusted her glasses. "You don't love me, Benny. I know that much."

"Kitty, baby, why do you think that? Haven't you heard of love at first sight?"

 _Oh, so **now** he uses my preferred name._ She crossed her arms. "If it was love at first sight, you would have not shot me in the head."

"Second sight?" The puppy dog eyes returned in full force.

"Lust, Benny. It's lust. I'm young but not stupid. You don't want me to be your wife. You want me to kill House for you. I guess marriage is an easier way to tie up loose ends than to try and kill me again?"

"Honey baby." He reached out to rub her arm. The soothing gesture reminded her way too much Vulpes Inculta that evening in Nipton. Unfortunately, she was out of space to back into.

"I'm leaving. You, New Vegas, the fucking Mojave. All of it." She wrenched her arm out of his hand. "You want to kill House, you find some one else to do it." She stepped around him. "I've killed enough important people."

"Honey baby, Mr. House is--"

"I do not care what sort of monster he is! I lost a man I owe my life a thousand times over because of this ridiculous conflict over this damned city!" She shoved past him and angrily made her way to the elevator.


	3. Chapter 3

She almost marched right back into The Tops when she realized she left her switchblade behind. Instead, she clenched her fists and ran all the way back to Freeside. If any thug gave her a bad time, she'd just have knock them down and run. Nobody seemed to notice her this time, thankfully. She quietly slipped into her room at the Atomic Wrangler. Then, she leaned against door.

She didn't cry. This wasn't a crying situation. She leaned and thought. What if she hadn't figured out Benny was using her? She knew it wasn't healthy to dwell on 'what ifs' but she let her mind wander.

Boone told her once that the NCR Embassy issued marriage licenses. Keturah, during their contract work with Camp McCarran, found herself filing for citizenship. (She wouldn't marry Boone either. Citizenship was a compromise, for her "Safety"). That would probably be where they'd get married.

Dealing with Mr. House would have to come first because who knows what he'd do if he knew how involved his former protégé and his current one were. The terminal under the stairs led somewhere. She'd do whatever it was she'd have to. She hoped he was an advanced Artificial Intelligence but that seemed unlikely. He was either a Ghoul or on life support. A Ghoul she'd have to kill. If he was on life support, she'd find some way to disconnect him from the system without killing him. Whatever she did, she'd have to do it fast. The Securitrons had operational missile launchers now.

Then, Benny could do whatever he was planning and she could--well she didn't know. After dealing with House, Benny wouldn't have much use for her beyond sex and whatever else a wife did in a couple. Her parents relationship wasn't much of a model, since they were also business partners and hopelessly in love.

Benny called it a "stable life, maybe even a kid." Kitty moved over to the bed. She pressed her hand against her abdomen, trying to imagine what pregnancy would feel like. She didn't have periods often so she wasn't sure she could even get pregnant. She knew the basics of how it worked though.

After about ten minutes of sitting there, someone knocked on the door. "Hastings, it's Colonel Hsu. May I come in?"

She unfolded her legs and opened the door. "Sir, what can I help you with this evening?"

He was wearing some sort of dress uniform, his hat tucked under his arm. "I came to offer my condolences. Craig Boone was a good man."

"Thank you, sir."

"There were rumors you and he were secretly married."

"We weren't. Snipers work best in teams. I had a set of binoculars. We were partners in the non-romantic sense." She shrugged, not liking the topic. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'd rather have some time to myself right now. Is there anything urgent?"

"No. If you're ever in need of a job, the army's always looking for medics."

"Good to know, sir. Thank you for your condolences." She all-but pushed him out the door. "Good night."

She went to close the door but then saw Veronica coming up the stairs. The other young woman had two bowls of squirrel stew. She stepped around Colonel Hsu and then into the room. She set the bowls on the side table before hugging Kitty. "I heard. Something tells me you haven't eaten."

Kitty stepped away. "Veronica, I'm _fine_."

"We're Sisters in Steel."

"Could you not remind me that I'm technically a member of the Brotherhood?" In complete honesty she'd forgotten she was a member at all. So much had happened since those days. "I mean I know I was already a member when I met you but--" Could she even tell Veronica she was leaving?

"Speaking of, what's that you're wearing instead of your holotags?"

"Mark of Caesar." She flopped onto the bed. "Can't bring myself to rip it off."

Veronica leaned forward and pulled on the coin. The leather snapped. "Ugly thing."

"Yeah. Look, Veronica, I'm not well-versed in the Codex. What happens if I desert?" She said it as fast as she could, hoping the meaning would fly past Veronica.

"You're joining the NCR."

"No." She winced. She'd definitely considered it. "I'm supposed to be joining a caravan expedition in the morning." 

"I could potentially drag you back to the bunker and have Ramos put you in lockdown for insubordination but if you come back soon, I won't say a word." Veronica handed her one of bowls of soup. "You're the last hope I have of convincing them outsiders are okay." 

"I'll be back as soon as I can." She didn't know if she was lying or not. "Stay with me tonight? It's been awhile since I've slept alone."

"Sure." They ate together and Veronica stacked the bowls. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I don't know." They were sitting cross legged on the bed, like Kitty and her friend Natasha did back in Nipton. A regular slumber party, only instead of Fancy Lad's and Nuka Cola, and whatever Jimmy Wales did to piss off their teacher, they were talking Wasteland woes and sipping filtered water. "It's strange, not having Boone here. He's always had my back."

"When you were traveling with Arcade, we shared the suite. He seemed like a good guy, quiet, but good."

"He was fucking broken," Kitty admitted. "But I am too. At the end, we didn't even really get along. We shared a hatred of the Legion and a desire to end the crimson bastards. Is it weird that I think he was my best friend?"

"I don't know much about healthy relationships. You know the Brotherhood."

Kitty laughed and looked at her Pip Boy. If she wanted to get a decent amount of sleep, it was time to hit the hay. "I have to make an early start. Maybe a sleepover was a bad idea."

"I thought 'Junior Paladin Hastings' and 'never get enough sleep' were symptoms."

Kitty groaned and looked over to the corner of the room where her T-45d Power Armor sat. She still didn't know what Elder McNamara meant by keeping the interests of the Brotherhood in mind. Sometimes she wondered if she had spread herself too thin. She unfolded her legs and pulled her holotags out of a nearby drawer. They swung from her fingers like a pendulum.

_Hastings, Keturah, F. Jr. Paladin. Mojave Chapter._

"How did you get Kitty out of Keturah anyway?" Someone in the Brotherhood asked her once. It was a simple story. Old Mr. Nash at the Mojave Express misheard her say Ketty. It stuck. Four years of seeing it on invoices and answering to it made it easy. She didn't like the name Keturah anyway. Too Old World. 

Now, people called her other things. Courier Six, Lobotomite, a Follower of the Apocalypse, Junior Paladin, civilian contractor, addict, drug runner,That Dame Who Went Into The Lucky 38, honey baby, Pussycat. Too many titles. If only she could back to being 'Kitty, the girl who delivered the mail' or even better 'Ketty, the shop keeper's kid.' Unfortunately, she had two bullets, three operations, and countless other scars to separate her from either of those girls. She sighed.

"Kitty, you _are_ coming back, right?" Veronica asked again.

Kitty dropped the holotags into her other hand and then slid them over her head. They rested, comfortably, just above the scar from her heart transplant. She never answered Veronica's question.


End file.
